I broke an agreement.

Not an agreement I made with a friend, or the Sheriff. An agreement I made with myself.

If you’re into self-help, then you’ve probably heard of – if not read – The Four Agreements.

It’s basically a short ‘how-to’ book for living a more fulfilling life.

The Four Agreements

Here are the cliffnotes:

1. Don’t Take Anything Personally

2. Be Impeccable With Your Word

3. Try Your Best Every Day

4. Don’t Make Assumptions

That’s the one I broke – the one about assumptions. I break it a lot.

My Problem

I make assumptions about people all the time — their motives, their families, their finances…

You name it. I’m sure about it.

A Story About Assumptions

The Sheriff decided to clean all the windows in the house – inside and out. (I know, I should just end it there and be grateful…)

Anyway, at some point, he needed the dustbuster. (Don’t ask…just keep reading).

Apparently the dustbuster was full of dust because I heard him muttering and then I heard him go outside.

Later, in our backyard, I discovered this:

Assumptions

As much as I really wanted to express my gratitude for his cleaning the windows, I couldn’t get over that he’d just emptied the dustbuster on the lawn.

Are you with me on this??

I mean, ridiculous, right? He couldn’t just empty it into a trash can??

Obviously, he just decided it would be easier to dump the lint in the yard.

The Truth

I wanted to say ‘What the hell! Did you have to dump the lint in the yard?’ Instead, thanks to years of therapy, I asked in the kindest, least judgmental tone I could muster…

’Hon, why did you dump the lint in the backyard?’

The Sheriff: I was thinking maybe the birds could use it for their nests.



I’m going to work on not making assumptions. Can I assume you’ll do the same?

I want to go to Australia. 

I never thought I’d get there but I’ve come across a rare opportunity – and I really want to go.

Here’s the thing.

It’s a contest.

It’s not a contest that requires me to get a lot of votes.  It’s simply a contest that requires me to enter and provide some pertinent information.

So I did.

My Fears

When I first read about the contest, I almost blew it off.  The negative voices in my head were very loud and there were lots of reasons for me not to enter.

First of all, it’s an all-expenses paid trip for working bloggers, so no spouses.

I hate to think of having a once in a lifetime experience without the Sheriff. 

Second, I really hate flying …so the thought of being in the air for almost a day is borderline nauseating.

Third, I’d have to take time off from work.

And last but not least, I could lose.

In fact, there’s a good chance I’ll lose.  Better than the chance I’ll win. 

My Hopes

I am looking forward to getting an email from Darren Rowse, possibly the most popular blogger in the world, asking me to be his guest in Australia.

I am a certified diver so the thought of exploring the Great Barrier Reef is beyond my wildest dreams.  (However, I just remembered that I am also afraid of great white sharks so please add that to the list above.)

I want to see a koala and a kangaroo.  Preferably with babies.

I cannot wait to experience a place I know nothing about with people I’ve never met.

And, I want to say ‘G’day Mate!’ so often that people get really annoyed. 

Will I Win?

The winners of this contest will be announced next week.  So why did I tell you about it today, when there’s a good chance I’ll lose?

Because it doesn’t matter. 

It won’t do me any harm. 

Losing won’t change my life – or yours.  And that’s how you win.  By not being afraid to lose. 

It’s just part of the process. 

Will You Win?

There is not one ‘winner’ who hasn’t been a loser at times, who hasn’t experienced rejection or disappointment.

State what you want.  Acknowledge your fears.  Act on your hopes.

You will win. 

Not always, but often.

And do you know what that will be?? 

A G’day Mate!



I’d love to hear your thoughts…

You can leave a comment by clicking here.

(photo: koala/rennett stowe)

My last post was about judgment and I promised this follow up because judgment is really at the heart of all conflict. Not just the conflict we have with others – but conflict within ourselves.

The problem is I’m afraid you won’t get this concept.

I mean I didn’t get it at first and I’m afraid you won’t get it either and I’ll lose you forever.

But I really want to share it so I’m just going to put it out there and if you don’t get it or don’t agree with it then I hope you will just leave it on the buffet table but not abandon the meal altogether.

Okay, this is it:

WHEN SOMEONE JUDGES YOU, IT MEANS YOU’VE MET THEIR FEAR.

Should I repeat it?

WHEN SOMEONE JUDGES YOU, IT MEANS YOU’VE MET THEIR FEAR.

So, in other words, when someone judges you, it’s about them.

A SIMPLE EXAMPLE

Here’s an example that helped me get it.

I had a friend who would often judge others as ‘lazy’.

She was always up early and ‘busy’ throughout the day.

If, heaven forbid, you slept in until 9, she’d be quick to say ‘must be nice!’ Or ‘I haven’t slept that late in years!’.

Her judgment was palpable.

The Truth

I am not lazy. So I remind myself…

WHEN SOMEONE JUDGES YOU IT MEANS YOU’VE MET THEIR FEAR.

Over time I realized that my friend’s fear – the reason she gets up early, runs from place to place and casually but intentionally shares every detail – is because SHE fears being judged as lazy. Lazy, she was taught, is shameful. And now she judges others accordingly.

A MORE COMPLICATED EXAMPLE

I don’t know George Zimmerman’s fear. But I know it prompted him to carry a gun, patrol as ‘captain’ of his neighborhood watch, and shoot an unarmed teenager.

And now he is in hiding, his future uncertain at best.

We all have fears. We all judge.

And, in doing so, we not only hurt others, we hurt ourselves.

Does this make sense to you?? Are your judgments really your fears?

This is the first of two posts about judgment.

The first of two more critical life lessons I have learned from my teacher (okay, therapist).

I’ve shared her thoughts on love, on making a significant life change and on relationships, but her lessons about judgment help me through every day.

Rush To Judgment

Judgment is something I’ve been wanting to write about for quite some time so I have to thank Rush Limbaugh for opening the door with his scathing remarks about Sandra Fluke.

Judgment can be debilitating. Fear of judgment is probably the single most limiting factor in decisions we make about our lives, our relationships, our jobs. It inhibits growth.

How differently would you behave if you did not fear the judgment of others.

Here Comes The Judge

Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute.

There is almost no one with a louder voice or a larger audience than Rush, and he broadcast this message across the world thinking, of course, that he could bully her into oblivion and get a nice ratings boost at the same time.

No doubt he expected the Georgetown law student to crumble with shame or respond in a way that was defiant or defensive.

But Fluke seemed unfazed.

How is that?

Because Ms. Fluke understands the most important lesson about judgment.

You Be The Judge

That’s it.

When someone judges you, the first thing you need to do is ask yourself…

“Is it true?”

It’s that simple.

If the answer is no, then you can simply dismiss the judgment as a reflection of the person who said it, rather than a reflection of you – and assume others will do so as well – unless they, too, share the flaws and insecurities of the person who misjudged you in the first place.

Have you ever been misjudged? How did you respond?

I’ve paid for a lot of therapy and it’s been worth every dime.

Not just for my head, but also my heart.

If you’ve never been in therapy — or good therapy — this is how it works.

You’re chatting away, sharing your observations or feelings about someone or something.

Then your therapist says something so stunningly simple that it changes who you are.

This is how I learned the most important thing about love.

6 Words

I’ve written previously about my teacher, the Golden Lady. This gem about change, and this one about reading other’s peoples’ minds.

But it’s Valentines, so I wanted to give you a lesson in love.

It’s just 6 words. But it’s six words that have echoed in my head and my heart ever since I first heard them.

I have no idea what – or who – I was talking about at the time. I can only remember the response.

Amy, she said, ‘power is the opposite of love’.

POWER IS THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE

That’s it. All you need to know.

Think about the most loving relationships you know. Who ‘wears the pants’? No one.

I see women use sex as power. I see parents try to control their adult children with money. I see friends peddle influence.

There’s no love there.

POWER IS THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE

I wanted to let you to know how much I love and appreciate you. How I look forward to your your comments and how grateful I am for your visits.

It is a gift to me – so I wanted to give you something in return.

Happy Valentines Day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts….

(photo credit: PinkSherbertPhotography)

I got a gift from Tina Fey over the holidays.

Actually, I was headed to Puerto Rico for a little getaway so I asked my Facebook friends for a good read and Michelle suggested Tina’s book, Bossy Pants.

As you might expect, some of the book is hysterically funny. At one point in my reading, I was literally crying I was laughing so hard — but that’s not the gift.

The gift Tina shares – which I am re-gifting here – is the ‘Rules of Improvisation’.

She claims they will ‘Change Your Life And Reduce Belly Fat’.

I’ll buy the first part…

Rule #1: Just SAY YES

According to Tina…

The first rule of improve is AGREE. Always agree and Say Yes.

She explains… You’re not always going to agree with everything everyone says but the Rule of Agreement reminds you to ‘respect what your partner has created’.

I couldn’t agree more.

Rule #2: YES, AND…

According to Tina…

The second rule of improvisation is not only to Say Yes, but “YES, AND…”

“YES, AND…” underscores your opportunity to contribute.

“Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion”, Fey says, “Your initiations are worthwhile”.

Yes! And, I agree!

Rule #3: MAKE STATEMENTS

I am insatiably curious and, as a reporter, I ask a lot of questions so I really appreciated the explanation that followed.

Statements represent that you have an opinion and are not simply deferring every decision to someone else and pointing out obstacles.

It’s respecting your role, and prompting others to do the same.

YES!!!

Rule #4: THERE ARE NO MISTAKES (only opportunities)

This does not apply to murdering your neighbor or cursing out your boss but since the decisions we fear or the actions we are reluctant to take aren’t likely to be so extreme, this is probably the most important – and most challenging – aspect of the creative process…

Whether you are an actor on SNL or…at any stage in life.

Agree?



(Yes! And… I’m going to Make a Statement in the comments!)

Over the holidays I got a ‘gift’ from Tina Fey. I will tell you about it in my next post but I decided that today I wanted to share with you a story I wrote for the Huffington Post.

(If you’d like to hear about my ‘gift’ from Tina, be sure to subscribe to the ParmFarm! (It’s free!) and I’ll send it right to your inbox.)

The Mistake

My mother’s friends used to kid… “You get more done before 9 a.m. than I get done in a week!”

She was known for her energy, her positive outlook and her love of life. She’d traveled the world, visiting both Antarctica and the Amazon — in her 70s. And then, in September of 2010, she had open heart surgery and got a pacemaker.

No worries. I knew the recovery would take time, she’d likely fatigue easily for months and may even experience depression, as many heart patients do. But, eventually, she’d be good as new.

And then I lost her.

What Happened?

My mother did not die. But for the next year and a half the person struggling to recover from surgery did not resemble, in almost any fashion, the woman who went in.

She was exhausted constantly. The slightest effort — something as simple as pulling a few pairs of pants from the dryer — required her to sit for 10 minutes and recover before she’d have the strength to fold them.

This woman, who often walked three to five miles with friends, couldn’t make it up the slightest incline, let alone any distance. Equally as frightening, her short term memory was shot. I wondered to myself if she had suffered a minor stroke.

She couldn’t remember entire conversations, missed appointments and forgot to pay bills. She was humiliated more than once when she would call a friend only to have them say ‘Sue, we just talked about this…”

So she stopped calling. She barely went out. The woman I had only known as fun-loving was constantly irritable and understandably depressed. She just sat in her blue chair, watching TV and weeping quietly to herself.

How To Be Heard

And then I remembered. From years of watching my disabled brother be discounted by doctors, I remembered.

You have to be an advocate. You have to demand attention. It is the only way you will get it.

You will not believe how this story unfolds…

For a year and a half my mother told every doctor she saw that she felt horrible and had no energy. She asked about the pacemaker, “can’t they turn it up??”

She’s 78 years old. So I guess they didn’t care. But I did. Two weeks ago I called her cardiologist and started the conversation by saying this:

“I’m not going to mince words. I feel like you ruined my mother.” I described in detail what I had observed. It was really no different than what my mother herself had told him but her concerns were dismissed and so was she. “Everything looks good. See you in a year.”

Dismissing my concerns was not an option. So, this time, the doctor scheduled a “stress echo” — a test that would allow him to look at my mom’s heart “under stress,” in other words, while she walked on a treadmill. Why this was not ordered sooner I will never know.

The test was done last Tuesday at 7:15 a.m. And at 8 p.m. he called with results. “I’ve got good news,” he said. “Your mother’s aortic valve is fine. Her heart is fine. But…

HER PACEMAKER WAS PROGRAMMED BACKWARDS.”

That’s right. Backwards.

He went on to explain that any time my mom exerted any energy — standing up, walking, showering — when the pacemaker should have pushed her heart rate up… instead it was pushing it down.

The Fix

The next day it took the pacemaker doctor five minutes to fix the problem (not counting the amount of time I spent “expressing” myself).

In a matter of minutes I saw color return to a face that had been ashen for more than a year. The same woman who walked timidly into the doctor’s office practically jumped for joy on her way out and all but ran back to the car.

I got my mom back. But, just as easily, I might not have. She could have dropped dead or had a stroke and we would never have known what happened.

The Lesson

I write about learning experiences. I would like you to learn from mine.

Don’t assume there is “care” in healthcare because all too often, there isn’t.

————————————–

I would love to hear your thoughts…

I’d like to offer you a new perspective.

That’s it.

That’s how you change a person’s mind.

You have to offer a perspective they can understand.

I’ll use Twitter as an example.

Are You On Twitter?

If you are like most people – those who aren’t on Twitter – you probably think it’s just a bunch of celebrities promoting themselves… and everybody else talking about what they had for breakfast.

Now I’m going to change your mind.

Do You Want To Come To My Party?

What if I told you that I was going to throw a party — but you could create the guest list.

Your guest list could include the 10 people you find most interesting, the 10 people you find most entertaining, the 10 people you like the most, your 10 favorite musicians, 10 actors and 10 athletes, 10 authors, artists, business leaders, and journalists (!). Maybe also the owners of your 10 favorite restaurants and the owners of your favorite stores.

Would you want to go to that party?

Well, that’s Twitter – only you are not limited to 10 people in each category.

It’s rare that I spend 5 minutes on Twitter without learning something new.

You can move easily from one ‘conversation’ to another, simply listen… or join in…

Just like a good party!

So…is that what you thought of Twitter?? Or have I changed your mind?

I’ve Changed My Mind

This is not about Twitter, it’s about learning.

I love when someone changes my mind.

And do you know how it happens??

They don’t preach. They teach.

Don’t preach. Teach.

Follow??


I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Also you’re invited to MY party — you can follow me on Twitter @parmfarm.

New Year’s resolutions express disappointment.

Think about it.

It’s like making a list of things you wish were different about yourself. Your habits, your lifestyle, your choices.

But, to me, resolutions also express hope. The hope that I am capable of change.

Last year I adopted Chris Brogan’s ’3 words’ format – instead of making resolutions, I just pick 3 words that represent the changes I’d like to achieve.

So…I’ll show you mine, if you’ll show me yours…

Focus

It’s no secret that I’ve got ‘shiny object syndrome’.

My curiousity is both a blessing and a curse. It drives me to learn new things — but also serves as a constant distraction.

In 2012 I really want to improve my focus.

UPDATE: I interrupt this post with a comment from the Sheriff. He would like to offer his 3 words:

1. Take 2. More 3. Vacations.

Can you see why I have a hard time focusing??? Moving on….

Practice

I love this word because it is so forgiving.

For instance, it’s unlikely I will become as focused as I would hope to be – but I’m going to practice focusing in small steps and, in so doing, become more focused than I’ve been in the past.

Practice gives me a sense of satisfaction even when I fall short of my goals.

Health

This is really hard for me to admit. It shows my age. It’s like ‘going for a walk’ instead of just playing.

I want to just wake up in the morning, go to work, come home and get on the computer.

I don’t want to pay attention to my health.

But I will because… what I really want is balance.

But that would be a fourth word – and I’m trying to stay focused.

Okay…your turn. I’d really love to hear about your 3 words…

We got a hot tub.

Actually, that’s not what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say we got a whirlpool. But the Sheriff asked me to call it a hot tub.

‘A whirlpool’, he says, ‘is that thing in the kitchen that does the dishes.’

Oh, he’s a funny one.

The truth is ‘hot tub’ sounds ‘sexier’. So, I guess I better call it a hot tub.

Anyway, we got one. I bought it on Craigslist.

Problem was, we had to pick it up and bring it home ourselves.

750 pounds — and, no, I’m not exaggerating.

I NEED HELP

I knew I needed help so I posted an ad (again, Craigslist) for strong men looking to make a quick buck. (I did not phrase it like that though.) I didn’t even know if I would get a response, but I tried.

They came. They helped. Along with two neighbors and their dollies. I meant to take picture but I got distracted by the whole production of it.

And now we have a whirlpool hottub — but in order to get it –

we needed to ask for help.

WHEN YOU NEED HELP

Ask for it.

I think it’s something women do more readily than men and that’s one thing men like about women. They are willing to ask for help so the men don’t have to. (Here’s some funny research.)

I ask for help a lot. Probably every day. Personally and professionally. But I don’t think most people are comfortable asking for help. And it holds them back.

YOU NEED HELP

Everybody needs help. Some people need help asking for help.

Let me help you.

Ask me to help you with something. Anything. And let’s see how that goes.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Ask me.

You can comment below or contact me directly.

If you don’t really need any help right now – please pass this along to someone else who might. See?? I’m asking you to help me.