I’ve paid for a lot of therapy and it’s been worth every dime.

Not just for my head, but also my heart.

If you’ve never been in therapy — or good therapy — this is how it works.

You’re chatting away, sharing your observations or feelings about someone or something.

Then your therapist says something so stunningly simple that it changes who you are.

This is how I learned the most important thing about love.

6 Words

I’ve written previously about my teacher, the Golden Lady. This gem about change, and this one about reading other’s peoples’ minds.

But it’s Valentines, so I wanted to give you a lesson in love.

It’s just 6 words. But it’s six words that have echoed in my head and my heart ever since I first heard them.

I have no idea what – or who – I was talking about at the time. I can only remember the response.

Amy, she said, ‘power is the opposite of love’.

POWER IS THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE

That’s it. All you need to know.

Think about the most loving relationships you know. Who ‘wears the pants’? No one.

I see women use sex as power. I see parents try to control their adult children with money. I see friends peddle influence.

There’s no love there.

POWER IS THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE

I wanted to let you to know how much I love and appreciate you. How I look forward to your your comments and how grateful I am for your visits.

It is a gift to me – so I wanted to give you something in return.

Happy Valentines Day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts….

(photo credit: PinkSherbertPhotography)

I got a gift from Tina Fey over the holidays.

Actually, I was headed to Puerto Rico for a little getaway so I asked my Facebook friends for a good read and Michelle suggested Tina’s book, Bossy Pants.

As you might expect, some of the book is hysterically funny. At one point in my reading, I was literally crying I was laughing so hard — but that’s not the gift.

The gift Tina shares – which I am re-gifting here – is the ‘Rules of Improvisation’.

She claims they will ‘Change Your Life And Reduce Belly Fat’.

I’ll buy the first part…

Rule #1: Just SAY YES

According to Tina…

The first rule of improve is AGREE. Always agree and Say Yes.

She explains… You’re not always going to agree with everything everyone says but the Rule of Agreement reminds you to ‘respect what your partner has created’.

I couldn’t agree more.

Rule #2: YES, AND…

According to Tina…

The second rule of improvisation is not only to Say Yes, but “YES, AND…”

“YES, AND…” underscores your opportunity to contribute.

“Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion”, Fey says, “Your initiations are worthwhile”.

Yes! And, I agree!

Rule #3: MAKE STATEMENTS

I am insatiably curious and, as a reporter, I ask a lot of questions so I really appreciated the explanation that followed.

Statements represent that you have an opinion and are not simply deferring every decision to someone else and pointing out obstacles.

It’s respecting your role, and prompting others to do the same.

YES!!!

Rule #4: THERE ARE NO MISTAKES (only opportunities)

This does not apply to murdering your neighbor or cursing out your boss but since the decisions we fear or the actions we are reluctant to take aren’t likely to be so extreme, this is probably the most important – and most challenging – aspect of the creative process…

Whether you are an actor on SNL or…at any stage in life.

Agree?



(Yes! And… I’m going to Make a Statement in the comments!)

Over the holidays I got a ‘gift’ from Tina Fey. I will tell you about it in my next post but I decided that today I wanted to share with you a story I wrote for the Huffington Post.

(If you’d like to hear about my ‘gift’ from Tina, be sure to subscribe to the ParmFarm! (It’s free!) and I’ll send it right to your inbox.)

The Mistake

My mother’s friends used to kid… “You get more done before 9 a.m. than I get done in a week!”

She was known for her energy, her positive outlook and her love of life. She’d traveled the world, visiting both Antarctica and the Amazon — in her 70s. And then, in September of 2010, she had open heart surgery and got a pacemaker.

No worries. I knew the recovery would take time, she’d likely fatigue easily for months and may even experience depression, as many heart patients do. But, eventually, she’d be good as new.

And then I lost her.

What Happened?

My mother did not die. But for the next year and a half the person struggling to recover from surgery did not resemble, in almost any fashion, the woman who went in.

She was exhausted constantly. The slightest effort — something as simple as pulling a few pairs of pants from the dryer — required her to sit for 10 minutes and recover before she’d have the strength to fold them.

This woman, who often walked three to five miles with friends, couldn’t make it up the slightest incline, let alone any distance. Equally as frightening, her short term memory was shot. I wondered to myself if she had suffered a minor stroke.

She couldn’t remember entire conversations, missed appointments and forgot to pay bills. She was humiliated more than once when she would call a friend only to have them say ‘Sue, we just talked about this…”

So she stopped calling. She barely went out. The woman I had only known as fun-loving was constantly irritable and understandably depressed. She just sat in her blue chair, watching TV and weeping quietly to herself.

How To Be Heard

And then I remembered. From years of watching my disabled brother be discounted by doctors, I remembered.

You have to be an advocate. You have to demand attention. It is the only way you will get it.

You will not believe how this story unfolds…

For a year and a half my mother told every doctor she saw that she felt horrible and had no energy. She asked about the pacemaker, “can’t they turn it up??”

She’s 78 years old. So I guess they didn’t care. But I did. Two weeks ago I called her cardiologist and started the conversation by saying this:

“I’m not going to mince words. I feel like you ruined my mother.” I described in detail what I had observed. It was really no different than what my mother herself had told him but her concerns were dismissed and so was she. “Everything looks good. See you in a year.”

Dismissing my concerns was not an option. So, this time, the doctor scheduled a “stress echo” — a test that would allow him to look at my mom’s heart “under stress,” in other words, while she walked on a treadmill. Why this was not ordered sooner I will never know.

The test was done last Tuesday at 7:15 a.m. And at 8 p.m. he called with results. “I’ve got good news,” he said. “Your mother’s aortic valve is fine. Her heart is fine. But…

HER PACEMAKER WAS PROGRAMMED BACKWARDS.”

That’s right. Backwards.

He went on to explain that any time my mom exerted any energy — standing up, walking, showering — when the pacemaker should have pushed her heart rate up… instead it was pushing it down.

The Fix

The next day it took the pacemaker doctor five minutes to fix the problem (not counting the amount of time I spent “expressing” myself).

In a matter of minutes I saw color return to a face that had been ashen for more than a year. The same woman who walked timidly into the doctor’s office practically jumped for joy on her way out and all but ran back to the car.

I got my mom back. But, just as easily, I might not have. She could have dropped dead or had a stroke and we would never have known what happened.

The Lesson

I write about learning experiences. I would like you to learn from mine.

Don’t assume there is “care” in healthcare because all too often, there isn’t.

————————————–

I would love to hear your thoughts…

I’d like to offer you a new perspective.

That’s it.

That’s how you change a person’s mind.

You have to offer a perspective they can understand.

I’ll use Twitter as an example.

Are You On Twitter?

If you are like most people – those who aren’t on Twitter – you probably think it’s just a bunch of celebrities promoting themselves… and everybody else talking about what they had for breakfast.

Now I’m going to change your mind.

Do You Want To Come To My Party?

What if I told you that I was going to throw a party — but you could create the guest list.

Your guest list could include the 10 people you find most interesting, the 10 people you find most entertaining, the 10 people you like the most, your 10 favorite musicians, 10 actors and 10 athletes, 10 authors, artists, business leaders, and journalists (!). Maybe also the owners of your 10 favorite restaurants and the owners of your favorite stores.

Would you want to go to that party?

Well, that’s Twitter – only you are not limited to 10 people in each category.

It’s rare that I spend 5 minutes on Twitter without learning something new.

You can move easily from one ‘conversation’ to another, simply listen… or join in…

Just like a good party!

So…is that what you thought of Twitter?? Or have I changed your mind?

I’ve Changed My Mind

This is not about Twitter, it’s about learning.

I love when someone changes my mind.

And do you know how it happens??

They don’t preach. They teach.

Don’t preach. Teach.

Follow??


I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Also you’re invited to MY party — you can follow me on Twitter @parmfarm.

New Year’s resolutions express disappointment.

Think about it.

It’s like making a list of things you wish were different about yourself. Your habits, your lifestyle, your choices.

But, to me, resolutions also express hope. The hope that I am capable of change.

Last year I adopted Chris Brogan’s ’3 words’ format – instead of making resolutions, I just pick 3 words that represent the changes I’d like to achieve.

So…I’ll show you mine, if you’ll show me yours…

Focus

It’s no secret that I’ve got ‘shiny object syndrome’.

My curiousity is both a blessing and a curse. It drives me to learn new things — but also serves as a constant distraction.

In 2012 I really want to improve my focus.

UPDATE: I interrupt this post with a comment from the Sheriff. He would like to offer his 3 words:

1. Take 2. More 3. Vacations.

Can you see why I have a hard time focusing??? Moving on….

Practice

I love this word because it is so forgiving.

For instance, it’s unlikely I will become as focused as I would hope to be – but I’m going to practice focusing in small steps and, in so doing, become more focused than I’ve been in the past.

Practice gives me a sense of satisfaction even when I fall short of my goals.

Health

This is really hard for me to admit. It shows my age. It’s like ‘going for a walk’ instead of just playing.

I want to just wake up in the morning, go to work, come home and get on the computer.

I don’t want to pay attention to my health.

But I will because… what I really want is balance.

But that would be a fourth word – and I’m trying to stay focused.

Okay…your turn. I’d really love to hear about your 3 words…

We got a hot tub.

Actually, that’s not what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say we got a whirlpool. But the Sheriff asked me to call it a hot tub.

‘A whirlpool’, he says, ‘is that thing in the kitchen that does the dishes.’

Oh, he’s a funny one.

The truth is ‘hot tub’ sounds ‘sexier’. So, I guess I better call it a hot tub.

Anyway, we got one. I bought it on Craigslist.

Problem was, we had to pick it up and bring it home ourselves.

750 pounds — and, no, I’m not exaggerating.

I NEED HELP

I knew I needed help so I posted an ad (again, Craigslist) for strong men looking to make a quick buck. (I did not phrase it like that though.) I didn’t even know if I would get a response, but I tried.

They came. They helped. Along with two neighbors and their dollies. I meant to take picture but I got distracted by the whole production of it.

And now we have a whirlpool hottub — but in order to get it –

we needed to ask for help.

WHEN YOU NEED HELP

Ask for it.

I think it’s something women do more readily than men and that’s one thing men like about women. They are willing to ask for help so the men don’t have to. (Here’s some funny research.)

I ask for help a lot. Probably every day. Personally and professionally. But I don’t think most people are comfortable asking for help. And it holds them back.

YOU NEED HELP

Everybody needs help. Some people need help asking for help.

Let me help you.

Ask me to help you with something. Anything. And let’s see how that goes.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Ask me.

You can comment below or contact me directly.

If you don’t really need any help right now – please pass this along to someone else who might. See?? I’m asking you to help me.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we will all be asked to take time to reflect and give thanks for all the blessings that surround us.

But that’s something I do almost every day, so I want Thanksgiving to be different.

I want Thanksgiving to be a moment where I reflect upon something or someone who I have never really acknowledged as making a difference in my life.

So, I would like to express my gratitude to all the people who have rejected me at one time or another – for a job, for a promotion, as a friend, a partner, whatever.

You have made me who I am. Where I am. And I couldn’t be more grateful.

To the girl who made fun of my outfit in 7th grade:

“Geez, that’s cute. Maybe I’ll buy the same one for my sister. She’s in second grade”.

I am so thankful that you showed me the person I don’t ever want to be.

To the high school senior who decided to ‘uninvite’ me to the prom.

“If you’re not going to have sex with me then I really don’t think we should be going to the prom together”.

Thank you for letting me stay home. When I think of how you would have bullied me or tried to shame me when your night didn’t go as planned — I am just so grateful you rejected me before I could reject you.

To the guy who didn’t want to date me because I was ‘too short’.

“I feel like I could crush her”.

I am so grateful that you didn’t want to ‘crush’ me, cause I’ve got a huge crush on my husband. (And he’s a Sheriff!)

To the TV news director who didn’t hire me:

“It’s just your voice. I have a problem with your voice”.

Thank you for passing on my voice. Instead I got a job in radio – yeah, same voice. The number one newsradio station in the country, by the way. Until I moved to Connecticut and got a job in TV from someone who knew me from my years in radio.

Thank You For Rejecting Me

As a reporter, I face rejection almost every day.

It’s never enjoyable. But when you’ve lived through enough Thanksgivings you come to realize that not only can you survive it, more often than not you will be better for it.

Who wouldn’t be thankful for that?



Has rejection ever led you to a better place? Aren’t you thankful?

I am disgusted by Andy Rooney.

I don’t usually use this space to call people out but given that he’s spent most of his overpaid years on 60 Minutes telling us about his various grievances, I thought it only appropriate that I follow his lead – but that’s where it will end.

I don’t like him. And the reason I don’t like him, in the shortest possible explanation, is that he not only refuses requests for autographs when approached on the street, he will rarely respond to mail — calling anyone who would request his autograph or write to him ‘an idiot‘.

This is not rumor. I heard it with my own ears as he all but bragged of it in a farewell interview.

At first I thought he was just trying to be humble, as in ‘my autograph is really nothing special and I am no better than another’ – but it quickly became apparent that he not only lacks humility, he lacks grace.

Idiots! He said it more than once.

Tick Tick Tick….

Recently, my mother had the opportunity to spend an evening with Phillies all-star Jimmy Rollins – her favorite baseball player. I’m guessing he is approached for an autograph more often – and has many more fans – than Andy Rooney.

But, here he is hangin’ with my mom.

Afterwards she would tell me, ‘He’s ten times the person he is the ballplayer.’

It was the greatest night of her life – and I’m including my wedding.

Tick, Tick, Tick…

When someone angers me, as Rooney has, I try to use it as an opportunity to learn something about myself.

I spent this past weekend signing autographs at an NBC Connecticut event. Although I am embarrassed by the fact that my job has a tone of celebrity to it, I feel fortunate to be in a position to make so many people happy with a simple hello.

We all look up to someone. And someone probably looks up to you. Just be kind.

Tick…tick…tick…

Dear Mr. Rooney:

I don’t know who would take the time to write to you or approach you for an autograph — but I do know that they are not idiots.

They are simply people who have not been as fortunate as you have been – in work, in health, in life.

They are your audience.

And if you cannot find it in your heart to take two seconds out of your day to make theirs, then you didn’t deserve 15 minutes of fame…. let alone 60.

Tick, tick, tick…

Have you ever had an encounter with a celebrity?

We are living in very different times.

And, in some ways, I have to believe that these times are more difficult than in years past.

Partly, because we have so many choices.

The Good Old Days

It used to be that men worked and women stayed at home raising kids.

The men worked at the same company for years and there was loyalty – from employees to employers and visa versa.

Actually, I’m not sure these were the good old days.

What if you didn’t like your job?

What if, as a woman, you longed for earning power?

Fast Forward

Today, your choices are unlimited.

Women can be doctors and men are nurses.

We have stay at home Dads and working Moms.

You can wear jeans to the office on casual Friday, or wear pajamas if you work online.

And if you don’t like what you’re doing, you can choose to change it.

Or can you?

The freedom to choose always sounds appealing. Choice could mean opportunity.

But more often than not…

Choice Means Conflict

I don’t think having more choices has made people happier in their work. I think many people – maybe most – struggle with the conflict between ‘who they are’ and ‘what they do’.

That’s why I am excited to be part of Shane Ketterman’s ‘Rethink Work’ project.

Shane is doing a series of live webinars with entrepreneurs who have been able to break with the traditional notion of work and carve out an independent path.

It’s FREE – Next Tuesday, 4pm Pacific time, 7pm Eastern. You can sign up HERE.

Rethink Life

I love the concept of ‘rethinking’.

It means you’re weighing the possibility that the way you’ve always done something, the way you were taught to do it, may not be the only way.

You can rethink work, rethink relationships, rethink how you live, how you spend….anything.

It’s simply a matter of exploring your choices.

And that’s where growth happens.

How did you ‘choose’ your career?
Does ‘what you do’ represent ‘who you are’??
On a scale of 1-10, how happier are you in your work?

As I headed to McDonald’s this morning for the Diet Coke and biscuit that I have every day, I had a shocking revelation.

I’m happy it’s September.

How could this be??

In the past, I have thought of September as the beginning of the end.

Winter is just a few short months away, so I buckle down for doom and gloom.

But not this year.

This year September feels right.

Fall Is Better For You

When September comes, the kids go back to school and the adults get back to work.

Even if they’ve been at work physically, most people seem to take a mental vacation in the summer — but now they’re back.

Back in their homes and back to their routines which, for me, is very comforting.

I like knowing where people are. I like them to answer when I call.

I need some things in my life to be predictable. And…

I Know I Am Not Alone

This is how the discussion about dinner goes whenever we decide to eat out — which is several times a week:

The Sheriff: Where do you want to go?
Me: I don’t care, anything is fine with me.
The Sheriff: We could go for pizza.
Me: That’s fine.
The Sheriff: How about a burger? Do you feel like a burger?
Me: Sure, that would be great.
The Sheriff: How ‘bout that new Italian place?
Me : Anything. Really.

This goes on for about 10 minutes – then we get in the car and go to the same Thai place we go to every time we go out.

After dinner, we tell each other that we really should go some place new. But we won’t.

It’s our routine.

And you know what? I like it.

Routine Benefits

Every minute of my day is not routine but working around a routine, having a predictable structure, allows me to be more creative and more productive otherwise.

With less chaos I am more conscious. And more clear.

As much as we love the freedom of summer, there’s something to be said for the security of fall.

Routine makes me feel ‘rooted’. More safe. And therefore, in some ways, more bold.

For instance, instead of chicken salad for lunch…maybe I’ll have tuna.

Is this you? What’s your routine?
Do you think it helps you or hurts you?